Does Your Partner Hear What You Say?

Do you try really hard to say what you mean, but still find that most of the time your partner just isn’t getting it? Expressing your thoughts and feelings can be a hard thing to do as it leaves you vulnerable to rejection but, over the last few decades, this is something we are getting better at. However, verbal expression is a one-way street and doesn’t always lead to effective communication.

So often I hear people say, “I’ve told her over and over again how I feel and if she doesn’t want to listen, then it’s not my problem.” This is where I have to point out that effective communication is not just about expressing yourself, but also about making sure that the person that you are speaking to understands you.

Every person sees the world based on experiences and beliefs that they have developed over time and these create filters. This is why everyone has a unique view of how the world works. As you speak, your ideas and thoughts are processed through these filters and are expressed through the words you choose. The person you are speaking to then filters the words they hear and this generates ideas and thoughts in turn. Unfortunately, the message can get a bit lost in the translation.

For example; Janet needs to work late for a few evenings next week. Her husband Brad feels very strongly about parents being available to their children because he grew up in a home where his parents were hardly ever around. Janet feels that in the current economic climate it would be wise to put in a bit extra at work to ensure job security. Janet says to Brad, “Honey, I need to work late a few evenings next week. Can you manage with the kids on your own?” This is a completely neutral message on its own, but when the message is processed through Brad’s filters, how he interprets is: ‘You and the family aren’t as important as my job.’

A better way for Janet to communicate her message, taking Brads filters into account, may be, “Honey, I’m worried about my job security right now and how it would impact our family if I were to lose my job. I need to put in a few extra hours next week, but let’s take my overtime pay and do something really fun with the kids on the weekend.’ This way, Janet has been able to put the message in the context of Brad’s filters, so that he better understands what it is that she is trying to communicate.

Now you might wonder why the onus is all on Janet, shouldn’t Brad also be trying to make an effort to understand Janet’s filters? Of course, effective communication is a two-way street so in any relationship both parties should be trying their best not just to express themselves, but understand what it is their partner is trying to say. However, you have two choices when trying to get your message across, say what you want and hope the other person gets it, or take a minute to understand things from their point of view and then put your message forward in a way that helps them understand your point of view as easily as possible.

This is a very powerful communication technique, and can apply to anyone, whether it is your boss, friends, family, children or your partner. What this technique does is give you the control in your communication and allows you to make sure that whomever you are communicating with hears the meaning of the message, not just the words.

Next time you need to communicate something to your partner on a subject that is likely to push some buttons, take a little time to work out what their filters might be and how you can express your message in such a way that they get what you are saying. This can only bring you closer together as you truly learn to communicate with each other.