I haven't been online much lately, mainly because my life became a bit overwhelming with lots of opportunites to grow myself, my business and my relationships. It is very rare that in life you will have the time or energy to be able to participate in every opportunity that life presents to you. When you only have 24 hours in day, it becomes so important to understand what is most important to you in your life.
Life is really about choices and where we are today is a result of the consequences of every choice we've made in the past. Chances are, that when we have regrets, it's because we've made a choice without thinking through what is really important to us.
The hardest part about making these choices is that often it is not about what is important and not important, but what is important and MORE important.
These last few weeks I've had the chance to revisit this lesson and remember why it is important to know what is important and where I want to spend my energy and I'm glad to say that while I had to say no to a lot of things, I am satisfied that what I achieved has reflected well on my values.
So, what do you value most in life? When you have to make choices because of limited time and energy do you know what to say no to? Can you list the important stuff in order of importance?
Try it!!!!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Does Your Partner Hear What You Say?
Do you try really hard to say what you mean, but still find that most of the time your partner just isn’t getting it? Expressing your thoughts and feelings can be a hard thing to do as it leaves you vulnerable to rejection but, over the last few decades, this is something we are getting better at. However, verbal expression is a one-way street and doesn’t always lead to effective communication.
So often I hear people say, “I’ve told her over and over again how I feel and if she doesn’t want to listen, then it’s not my problem.” This is where I have to point out that effective communication is not just about expressing yourself, but also about making sure that the person that you are speaking to understands you.
Every person sees the world based on experiences and beliefs that they have developed over time and these create filters. This is why everyone has a unique view of how the world works. As you speak, your ideas and thoughts are processed through these filters and are expressed through the words you choose. The person you are speaking to then filters the words they hear and this generates ideas and thoughts in turn. Unfortunately, the message can get a bit lost in the translation.
For example; Janet needs to work late for a few evenings next week. Her husband Brad feels very strongly about parents being available to their children because he grew up in a home where his parents were hardly ever around. Janet feels that in the current economic climate it would be wise to put in a bit extra at work to ensure job security. Janet says to Brad, “Honey, I need to work late a few evenings next week. Can you manage with the kids on your own?” This is a completely neutral message on its own, but when the message is processed through Brad’s filters, how he interprets is: ‘You and the family aren’t as important as my job.’
A better way for Janet to communicate her message, taking Brads filters into account, may be, “Honey, I’m worried about my job security right now and how it would impact our family if I were to lose my job. I need to put in a few extra hours next week, but let’s take my overtime pay and do something really fun with the kids on the weekend.’ This way, Janet has been able to put the message in the context of Brad’s filters, so that he better understands what it is that she is trying to communicate.
Now you might wonder why the onus is all on Janet, shouldn’t Brad also be trying to make an effort to understand Janet’s filters? Of course, effective communication is a two-way street so in any relationship both parties should be trying their best not just to express themselves, but understand what it is their partner is trying to say. However, you have two choices when trying to get your message across, say what you want and hope the other person gets it, or take a minute to understand things from their point of view and then put your message forward in a way that helps them understand your point of view as easily as possible.
This is a very powerful communication technique, and can apply to anyone, whether it is your boss, friends, family, children or your partner. What this technique does is give you the control in your communication and allows you to make sure that whomever you are communicating with hears the meaning of the message, not just the words.
Next time you need to communicate something to your partner on a subject that is likely to push some buttons, take a little time to work out what their filters might be and how you can express your message in such a way that they get what you are saying. This can only bring you closer together as you truly learn to communicate with each other.
So often I hear people say, “I’ve told her over and over again how I feel and if she doesn’t want to listen, then it’s not my problem.” This is where I have to point out that effective communication is not just about expressing yourself, but also about making sure that the person that you are speaking to understands you.
Every person sees the world based on experiences and beliefs that they have developed over time and these create filters. This is why everyone has a unique view of how the world works. As you speak, your ideas and thoughts are processed through these filters and are expressed through the words you choose. The person you are speaking to then filters the words they hear and this generates ideas and thoughts in turn. Unfortunately, the message can get a bit lost in the translation.
For example; Janet needs to work late for a few evenings next week. Her husband Brad feels very strongly about parents being available to their children because he grew up in a home where his parents were hardly ever around. Janet feels that in the current economic climate it would be wise to put in a bit extra at work to ensure job security. Janet says to Brad, “Honey, I need to work late a few evenings next week. Can you manage with the kids on your own?” This is a completely neutral message on its own, but when the message is processed through Brad’s filters, how he interprets is: ‘You and the family aren’t as important as my job.’
A better way for Janet to communicate her message, taking Brads filters into account, may be, “Honey, I’m worried about my job security right now and how it would impact our family if I were to lose my job. I need to put in a few extra hours next week, but let’s take my overtime pay and do something really fun with the kids on the weekend.’ This way, Janet has been able to put the message in the context of Brad’s filters, so that he better understands what it is that she is trying to communicate.
Now you might wonder why the onus is all on Janet, shouldn’t Brad also be trying to make an effort to understand Janet’s filters? Of course, effective communication is a two-way street so in any relationship both parties should be trying their best not just to express themselves, but understand what it is their partner is trying to say. However, you have two choices when trying to get your message across, say what you want and hope the other person gets it, or take a minute to understand things from their point of view and then put your message forward in a way that helps them understand your point of view as easily as possible.
This is a very powerful communication technique, and can apply to anyone, whether it is your boss, friends, family, children or your partner. What this technique does is give you the control in your communication and allows you to make sure that whomever you are communicating with hears the meaning of the message, not just the words.
Next time you need to communicate something to your partner on a subject that is likely to push some buttons, take a little time to work out what their filters might be and how you can express your message in such a way that they get what you are saying. This can only bring you closer together as you truly learn to communicate with each other.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Is Lack of Balance Causing a See-Saw Life?
Watching the Oprah show yesterday, I listened with interest as she spoke about her weight gain was caused by her life being out of balance. It was eye opening that even someone as successful as Oprah, could not only lose control, but allow it to go on for so long without doing anything about it.
This is something I can relate to quite strongly. I tend to be a bit of a control freak myself, I have lists all over the place of things that I need to do and goals that I want to achieve, but about three years ago, I became tired of the constant control and started to let go. This was great in the beginning. A HUGE relief that allowed me to relax in a way that I desperately needed, but I took it too far and allowed my life to slowly spin out of control. It was gradual at first, so I didn't really notice what was happening, but after a while, I realised that life was getting harder. I wasn't effective any more. I wasn't achieving as much as I used to. So I immediately tightened the controls and created structure to put everything back in it's place.
Unfortunately, I put so much stress on myself to control everything, that I became overwhelmed and gave up the job as being just too hard. The result was a see-saw ride that lasted a few years as I tried to find the balance between enough control to keep things ticking over stress-free and enough relaxtion so that I didn't burn out. I read books on organisation, time-management, living a worthwhile life, in fact, anything that I could get my hands on that would help me find the way to manage my life in a way that didn't put stress on me.
What I did learn is that there are many, many practical tools for managing your time, output, achievements and life in general, but none of these help without one thing - self management. Keeping your life in balance, is not so much about managing your time, as about making sure that you are spending the appropriate amount of time on the things that have meaning to you.
The only way that you can feel successful, is if the results of your actions, are in line with your goals and the choices that you are making are based on your personal beliefs and values. And this means REALLY understanding yourself and what you want out of life. All this needs a lot of self-management because it involves that hardest thing of all, being honest with yourself. If you can't be honest about yourself about what is important to you, you will always be spending your time working on what is important to others.
You also need to be honest about how much you can do yourself and where you need to ask for help. It is no good stubbornly holding on to trying to something that can be done quicker and more easily by someone else, just because you don't want to admit that it is not something you can manage.
The quickest way to get your life back in balance is to do a 'time-budget'. This is similar to doing a financial budget as you assess what it is you are spending your time doing, whether these are things that are important to you, and whether you can off-load some things that are of no benefit to you, so that you can free up some time. The quickest check to see whether you are getting yourself out of balance is to add up how much time you spend on yourself. If it is less than an hour a day, then you need to re-assess how much self-management is in place.
So now that you know where you are, take some time to think about where you want to be, and draw up a time-budget that includes all the things that are important to you, if there is a huget difference between your current bugdet and your ideal budget, draw up a plan to slowly start making changes that will bring you closer to your ideal time-budget.
THEN most importantly, manage yourself so that you take action on those changes and before long, you will start to notice the difference in your life.
This is something I can relate to quite strongly. I tend to be a bit of a control freak myself, I have lists all over the place of things that I need to do and goals that I want to achieve, but about three years ago, I became tired of the constant control and started to let go. This was great in the beginning. A HUGE relief that allowed me to relax in a way that I desperately needed, but I took it too far and allowed my life to slowly spin out of control. It was gradual at first, so I didn't really notice what was happening, but after a while, I realised that life was getting harder. I wasn't effective any more. I wasn't achieving as much as I used to. So I immediately tightened the controls and created structure to put everything back in it's place.
Unfortunately, I put so much stress on myself to control everything, that I became overwhelmed and gave up the job as being just too hard. The result was a see-saw ride that lasted a few years as I tried to find the balance between enough control to keep things ticking over stress-free and enough relaxtion so that I didn't burn out. I read books on organisation, time-management, living a worthwhile life, in fact, anything that I could get my hands on that would help me find the way to manage my life in a way that didn't put stress on me.
What I did learn is that there are many, many practical tools for managing your time, output, achievements and life in general, but none of these help without one thing - self management. Keeping your life in balance, is not so much about managing your time, as about making sure that you are spending the appropriate amount of time on the things that have meaning to you.
The only way that you can feel successful, is if the results of your actions, are in line with your goals and the choices that you are making are based on your personal beliefs and values. And this means REALLY understanding yourself and what you want out of life. All this needs a lot of self-management because it involves that hardest thing of all, being honest with yourself. If you can't be honest about yourself about what is important to you, you will always be spending your time working on what is important to others.
You also need to be honest about how much you can do yourself and where you need to ask for help. It is no good stubbornly holding on to trying to something that can be done quicker and more easily by someone else, just because you don't want to admit that it is not something you can manage.
The quickest way to get your life back in balance is to do a 'time-budget'. This is similar to doing a financial budget as you assess what it is you are spending your time doing, whether these are things that are important to you, and whether you can off-load some things that are of no benefit to you, so that you can free up some time. The quickest check to see whether you are getting yourself out of balance is to add up how much time you spend on yourself. If it is less than an hour a day, then you need to re-assess how much self-management is in place.
So now that you know where you are, take some time to think about where you want to be, and draw up a time-budget that includes all the things that are important to you, if there is a huget difference between your current bugdet and your ideal budget, draw up a plan to slowly start making changes that will bring you closer to your ideal time-budget.
THEN most importantly, manage yourself so that you take action on those changes and before long, you will start to notice the difference in your life.
How Big is Your 'BUT'?
This year has been really tough and looking back at what I had planned and what I have actually achieved, I can feel my BUT growing bigger and bigger with each item on the list.
You know the story: I wanted to start a vegetable garden, BUT I forgot to water the plants and they all died. I wanted to redecorate my daughter's room and it is 90% done, BUT I ran out of paint and haven't got around to buying more. I was going to get up early and exercise everyday, BUT my bed is just too comfortable. I wanted to lose some weight, BUT I just like food too much.
For every uncompleted task, there is a BUT that allows us to feel okay about the fact that it didn't get done. This is not necessarily a bad thing, if it is a genuine case of needing to re-assess priorities vs time, then obviously it is important to make some adjustments. The danger comes in when we use BUT to excuse not doing the things that need to get done, because of limiting beliefs, fear or downright laziness. The danger of BUT is that it allows us to downsize our dreams, to do things on a small scale because then we never need to leave our comfort zone.
How many times a day do you use BUT? I hate my job, BUT I can’t get another one! I would go to the beach, BUT I hate the way my body looks. I’d love to learn Latin American dancing, BUT I’m too old.
What if you changed your ‘but’ to ‘and’? I hate my job and I’m going to reskill so I can do something I love. I want to go to the beach and watch the sunrise. I’d love to learn Latin American dancing and I’m going to try something new.
So as you plan for the year ahead and write down that list of everything that you would like to do or achieve over the next twelve months, add in the ‘buts’ now. You know what they are. What are you most likely going to be telling yourself at the end of the year, when the job hasn’t been done? Find the most common ‘buts’ and make a commitment to change those to an ‘and’. Don’t let limiting beliefs, fear or laziness become the reason why you downscale your dreams of a better life.
Dream those big dreams and be creative about finding a way to make them happen. Get out of your comfort zone and try new things. Face your fears and find a personal strength that you never knew you had. Look at what you value and make sure that your choices are in line with what is important to you. Make this a year of ‘ands’ and get an instant ‘but reduction’.
You know the story: I wanted to start a vegetable garden, BUT I forgot to water the plants and they all died. I wanted to redecorate my daughter's room and it is 90% done, BUT I ran out of paint and haven't got around to buying more. I was going to get up early and exercise everyday, BUT my bed is just too comfortable. I wanted to lose some weight, BUT I just like food too much.
For every uncompleted task, there is a BUT that allows us to feel okay about the fact that it didn't get done. This is not necessarily a bad thing, if it is a genuine case of needing to re-assess priorities vs time, then obviously it is important to make some adjustments. The danger comes in when we use BUT to excuse not doing the things that need to get done, because of limiting beliefs, fear or downright laziness. The danger of BUT is that it allows us to downsize our dreams, to do things on a small scale because then we never need to leave our comfort zone.
How many times a day do you use BUT? I hate my job, BUT I can’t get another one! I would go to the beach, BUT I hate the way my body looks. I’d love to learn Latin American dancing, BUT I’m too old.
What if you changed your ‘but’ to ‘and’? I hate my job and I’m going to reskill so I can do something I love. I want to go to the beach and watch the sunrise. I’d love to learn Latin American dancing and I’m going to try something new.
So as you plan for the year ahead and write down that list of everything that you would like to do or achieve over the next twelve months, add in the ‘buts’ now. You know what they are. What are you most likely going to be telling yourself at the end of the year, when the job hasn’t been done? Find the most common ‘buts’ and make a commitment to change those to an ‘and’. Don’t let limiting beliefs, fear or laziness become the reason why you downscale your dreams of a better life.
Dream those big dreams and be creative about finding a way to make them happen. Get out of your comfort zone and try new things. Face your fears and find a personal strength that you never knew you had. Look at what you value and make sure that your choices are in line with what is important to you. Make this a year of ‘ands’ and get an instant ‘but reduction’.
The Secret to Happiness – Getting What You Need
Do you ever wake up on perfectly good day, to a completely normal life and wonder why you are not happy? Is there something wrong with you, that what you have is just not enough?
It was Tony Robbins who identified the 6 Human Needs as being essential for anyone to feel content with their lives. If any of these needs are not being met, then you are likely to find yourself anywhere on a range of feeling a bit blue to wallowing in bed at every opportunity, depending on just how bad it is.
So what are these needs?
1) Certainty/Security/Comfort: Knowing exactly what is going to happen, how it is going to happen and when it is going to happen. There is a sense of comfort in knowing how things are going to be. On the other hand, too much of this and you start to get bored. This brings us to the next need:
2) Uncertainty/Challenge/Variety: Having something out of the ordinary happen, or trying something new for the first time. Variety is the spice of life and it keeps us in anticipation that maybe today is going to bring something wonderful. Too much of this can leave you completely overwhelmed.
3) Significance/Importance: We all need to know that we are special in some way, that you as an individual are unique and have something distinctly you to give to this world. However, as we hear celebrities constantly complain, being too important, can leave you feeling isolated from the people around you, feeling misunderstood.
4) Love and Connection: Emotional connection or love is what makes us human. We need to know that there is someone out there who is in our corner rooting for us. But, too much connection can lead to unhealthy dependence.
5) Personal Growth: This is a higher need that only develops wants the first 4 needs are met. When your basic needs have been satisfied, you will start to feel the need to grow as a person, challenge yourself to higher levels.
6) Contribution: Giving of yourself to others, can be one of the most satisfying things to do. Another higher need, this becomes strongest when your 4 basic needs are met and you feel intensely grateful for what you have. Your awareness moves past yourself to the world around you and you want to help meet others needs.
These needs are so strong, that in order to have them met, you will do ANYTHING. People will even act outside of their value or belief structure if any of these needs are not being satisfied sufficiently.
So How Do You Get Happy?
Identify the area in your life that is causing you the greatest upset: work, family, finances, relationships, health.
Look at how each of these needs are being met.
Where your needs are not being sufficiently met, think of resources that you have to meet these needs.
Make time to take the necessary action to ensure that your needs are met.
Keep repeating every time you start to feel dissatisfied with your life.
Remember that you are in control of your own happiness. Take action today, and be a happier person tomorrow.
It was Tony Robbins who identified the 6 Human Needs as being essential for anyone to feel content with their lives. If any of these needs are not being met, then you are likely to find yourself anywhere on a range of feeling a bit blue to wallowing in bed at every opportunity, depending on just how bad it is.
So what are these needs?
1) Certainty/Security/Comfort: Knowing exactly what is going to happen, how it is going to happen and when it is going to happen. There is a sense of comfort in knowing how things are going to be. On the other hand, too much of this and you start to get bored. This brings us to the next need:
2) Uncertainty/Challenge/Variety: Having something out of the ordinary happen, or trying something new for the first time. Variety is the spice of life and it keeps us in anticipation that maybe today is going to bring something wonderful. Too much of this can leave you completely overwhelmed.
3) Significance/Importance: We all need to know that we are special in some way, that you as an individual are unique and have something distinctly you to give to this world. However, as we hear celebrities constantly complain, being too important, can leave you feeling isolated from the people around you, feeling misunderstood.
4) Love and Connection: Emotional connection or love is what makes us human. We need to know that there is someone out there who is in our corner rooting for us. But, too much connection can lead to unhealthy dependence.
5) Personal Growth: This is a higher need that only develops wants the first 4 needs are met. When your basic needs have been satisfied, you will start to feel the need to grow as a person, challenge yourself to higher levels.
6) Contribution: Giving of yourself to others, can be one of the most satisfying things to do. Another higher need, this becomes strongest when your 4 basic needs are met and you feel intensely grateful for what you have. Your awareness moves past yourself to the world around you and you want to help meet others needs.
These needs are so strong, that in order to have them met, you will do ANYTHING. People will even act outside of their value or belief structure if any of these needs are not being satisfied sufficiently.
So How Do You Get Happy?
Identify the area in your life that is causing you the greatest upset: work, family, finances, relationships, health.
Look at how each of these needs are being met.
Where your needs are not being sufficiently met, think of resources that you have to meet these needs.
Make time to take the necessary action to ensure that your needs are met.
Keep repeating every time you start to feel dissatisfied with your life.
Remember that you are in control of your own happiness. Take action today, and be a happier person tomorrow.
Is your glass half full or half empty, or do you need to change the glass?
Whether you see your glass as half full or half empty is the traditional test to determine whether you are an optimist or a pessimist. I always like to think of myself as a pragmatist: the glass is the wrong size, so get a different glass.
But how does this apply to our lives?
I see the contents of the glass as the contents of my life and the glass as the context that I rate those contents.
So in the glass half full life: I have a bigger house than I had 10 years ago. I have more time to myself, my family relationships are better, I have a career that I love, I have an income that meets all my needs and there is left over for luxuries.
In a glass half empty life: I don’t have my dream car, I don’t have my dream house, I can’t afford to go away on holiday whenever I want, running my own business means I have to deal with admin that I hate, my family lives too far away to make visiting convenient.
But how can you change the size of the glass?
Pretend for a minute that you are a billionaire.
Imagine that you spent a year buying everything that you think you would want, new cars, new clothes, property, doing all the things that you’ve always wanted do, but didn’t have the money for.
NOW, write down an ordinary day in your diary, starting from when you got up in the morning until you went to bed.
How much of this are you doing already?
How much of this could you be doing without being a billionaire?
How much of your life are you putting on hold because you think you need something more to get the enjoyment out of it, when really you just need to do it?
So go out there and start living your billionaire’s life. Start appreciating all the things that money really cannot buy. Be happy!
But how does this apply to our lives?
I see the contents of the glass as the contents of my life and the glass as the context that I rate those contents.
So in the glass half full life: I have a bigger house than I had 10 years ago. I have more time to myself, my family relationships are better, I have a career that I love, I have an income that meets all my needs and there is left over for luxuries.
In a glass half empty life: I don’t have my dream car, I don’t have my dream house, I can’t afford to go away on holiday whenever I want, running my own business means I have to deal with admin that I hate, my family lives too far away to make visiting convenient.
But how can you change the size of the glass?
Pretend for a minute that you are a billionaire.
Imagine that you spent a year buying everything that you think you would want, new cars, new clothes, property, doing all the things that you’ve always wanted do, but didn’t have the money for.
NOW, write down an ordinary day in your diary, starting from when you got up in the morning until you went to bed.
How much of this are you doing already?
How much of this could you be doing without being a billionaire?
How much of your life are you putting on hold because you think you need something more to get the enjoyment out of it, when really you just need to do it?
So go out there and start living your billionaire’s life. Start appreciating all the things that money really cannot buy. Be happy!
Are you a Tigger or an Eeyore?
This question was first asked by Randy Pausch. Diagnosed with an incurable form of pancreatic cancer he gave a final lecture to his students and wanted to pass on some of his life lessons.
I had a good think about it the other day. After all, Tigger is very popular, he has his own movie, theme song and is friends with everybody in the 100 Acre Wood (I’ve been a Pooh fan since I was little).
But just what is it that makes Tigger so popular?
Tigger’s theme song says it all:
The wonderful thing about Tiggers,
is Tiggers are wonderful things’.
Then comes a long list of his accomplishments and finishes off with:
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is,
I'm the only one.
Oh, I’m the only one!
And of course, Tiggers are fun. Poor Eeyore on the other hand, is just that: poor in spirit. He really feels hard done by the world and no matter the situation, he can find the worst possible spin on it. Everything that happens is just to prove how bad life treats him. Quite frankly, I’m surprised that he has any friends in the 100 Acre Wood (maybe because this fiction after all), because I know a few people like Eeyore and don’t like to spend very much time with them. Mainly, because I can be having a perfectly normal day, and within two or three sentences they can bring me down and start me questioning why I haven’t slit my wrists yet. A world full of Eeyores is a bleak and dark place.
Imagine a world full of Tiggers. It could get a bit much after a while. All that bouncy-bouncy and fun, fun, fun!!!! BUT look at how Tigger feels about himself. He has a theme song that only highlights his good parts. There is nothing in there about how he gets lost, occasionally annoys his friends, talks with a funny accent, doesn’t know who his family is. What if we all felt that way about ourselves. WE ARE WONDERFUL because we are who we are. We are unique and there is nobody else like us. It wouldn’t matter if other people found you slightly annoying, or could only handle you in small doses.
So, do you love yourself because you are different? Do you love every part of yourself and accept yourself as you are? A wonderful, unique YOU.
I had a good think about it the other day. After all, Tigger is very popular, he has his own movie, theme song and is friends with everybody in the 100 Acre Wood (I’ve been a Pooh fan since I was little).
But just what is it that makes Tigger so popular?
Tigger’s theme song says it all:
The wonderful thing about Tiggers,
is Tiggers are wonderful things’.
Then comes a long list of his accomplishments and finishes off with:
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is,
I'm the only one.
Oh, I’m the only one!
And of course, Tiggers are fun. Poor Eeyore on the other hand, is just that: poor in spirit. He really feels hard done by the world and no matter the situation, he can find the worst possible spin on it. Everything that happens is just to prove how bad life treats him. Quite frankly, I’m surprised that he has any friends in the 100 Acre Wood (maybe because this fiction after all), because I know a few people like Eeyore and don’t like to spend very much time with them. Mainly, because I can be having a perfectly normal day, and within two or three sentences they can bring me down and start me questioning why I haven’t slit my wrists yet. A world full of Eeyores is a bleak and dark place.
Imagine a world full of Tiggers. It could get a bit much after a while. All that bouncy-bouncy and fun, fun, fun!!!! BUT look at how Tigger feels about himself. He has a theme song that only highlights his good parts. There is nothing in there about how he gets lost, occasionally annoys his friends, talks with a funny accent, doesn’t know who his family is. What if we all felt that way about ourselves. WE ARE WONDERFUL because we are who we are. We are unique and there is nobody else like us. It wouldn’t matter if other people found you slightly annoying, or could only handle you in small doses.
So, do you love yourself because you are different? Do you love every part of yourself and accept yourself as you are? A wonderful, unique YOU.
Active Acceptance - The Key to Getting Unstuck
Most people think of acceptance as a passive state of mind. ‘You can’t do anything about it, just accept it.’ You would think in our world of instant gratification and super-fast results, acceptance would seem like an easy option, the path of least resistance. If that were so, I’m sure a lot more people would be doing it. But, acceptance is a pretty active state of mind when done properly and not at all easy.
The opposite of acceptance is denial, which let’s face it, is also a pretty active state to be in. Have you ever noticed how hard people work at being in denial? No matter how hard you try to point out to them the reality of the situation, they can come up with at least fifty reasons why it isn’t so. So if denial is such hard work, why would someone spend so much energy trying to avoid reality? Probably because a reality created in denial, is usually a reality where no action is necessary. Think about that for a minute. How often will someone create a false reality where it is their entire fault and they are the only one who has to do all the work to fix it?
The most fascinating thing to me is that usually, that person has decided that they are accepting the situation. ‘My boss just doesn’t like me, that’s why I’ll never get a promotion. There’s nothing I can do about it, I’ll just have to accept it.’
Active acceptance is about examining your beliefs around the situation, questioning each of those statements to test for the truth of the situation. Maybe your boss doesn’t like you, but is that the real reason why you haven’t got the promotion? If not, then accept that more work needs to be done, or new skills need to be developed. Maybe it is true that your boss didn’t promote you because she doesn’t like you, but does that mean that there is nothing you can do about it? Go see your HR department, or find a new job; maybe you could transfer to another department.
The interesting thing about acceptance is that it usually leads to action. The moment we can see a situation clearly, and accept it the way it is, is the moment that we can see with clarity what needs to be done to get out of the situation.
But why is acceptance necessary for us to be able to let go?
Well the usual reason for denying the reality of a situation, is because we want it to be different from the way it is. That sounds pretty obvious, doesn’t it? But that denial acts as an anchor. Think about a ship in the harbour. The anchor is what keeps it from moving forward, keeps it stuck in one place. Even though the anchor is below the surface and you can’t see it, it is still there doing its job. Denial is exactly the same. It sits in our subconscious, keeping us stuck in the idea that it is the situation around us that needs to change, rather than that we need to take action to change the situation around us. Until we accept reality and let go of wanting things to be different, we can never start moving forward.
The big question of course is: How do I know whether I am in denial or whether I have accepted the reality of a situation without wanting to make a change? I think the big test comes from the answer to the two questions: Do I feel stuck? And do I feel at peace?
If you are feeling stuck, there is a good chance that you are avoiding acceptance and need to start actively examining your beliefs about the situation. Ask yourself what is holding you back, what is keeping you stuck? Then start from there to work through what is the reality of the situation that you are not accepting. If you are not at peace, then there is an indication that emotionally you still want things to be different. Ask yourself what is disturbing you, what is ‘not fair’? That is another starting point to work through where you are actively avoiding acceptance.
At the end of the day, acceptance is about hard work. It is not about sitting back and passively ignoring whatever situation you are in – that is called denial. You are always making a choice, whether you realise it or not. So make the choice to get unstuck, look at where active acceptance can improve your life and start a better life today
The opposite of acceptance is denial, which let’s face it, is also a pretty active state to be in. Have you ever noticed how hard people work at being in denial? No matter how hard you try to point out to them the reality of the situation, they can come up with at least fifty reasons why it isn’t so. So if denial is such hard work, why would someone spend so much energy trying to avoid reality? Probably because a reality created in denial, is usually a reality where no action is necessary. Think about that for a minute. How often will someone create a false reality where it is their entire fault and they are the only one who has to do all the work to fix it?
The most fascinating thing to me is that usually, that person has decided that they are accepting the situation. ‘My boss just doesn’t like me, that’s why I’ll never get a promotion. There’s nothing I can do about it, I’ll just have to accept it.’
Active acceptance is about examining your beliefs around the situation, questioning each of those statements to test for the truth of the situation. Maybe your boss doesn’t like you, but is that the real reason why you haven’t got the promotion? If not, then accept that more work needs to be done, or new skills need to be developed. Maybe it is true that your boss didn’t promote you because she doesn’t like you, but does that mean that there is nothing you can do about it? Go see your HR department, or find a new job; maybe you could transfer to another department.
The interesting thing about acceptance is that it usually leads to action. The moment we can see a situation clearly, and accept it the way it is, is the moment that we can see with clarity what needs to be done to get out of the situation.
But why is acceptance necessary for us to be able to let go?
Well the usual reason for denying the reality of a situation, is because we want it to be different from the way it is. That sounds pretty obvious, doesn’t it? But that denial acts as an anchor. Think about a ship in the harbour. The anchor is what keeps it from moving forward, keeps it stuck in one place. Even though the anchor is below the surface and you can’t see it, it is still there doing its job. Denial is exactly the same. It sits in our subconscious, keeping us stuck in the idea that it is the situation around us that needs to change, rather than that we need to take action to change the situation around us. Until we accept reality and let go of wanting things to be different, we can never start moving forward.
The big question of course is: How do I know whether I am in denial or whether I have accepted the reality of a situation without wanting to make a change? I think the big test comes from the answer to the two questions: Do I feel stuck? And do I feel at peace?
If you are feeling stuck, there is a good chance that you are avoiding acceptance and need to start actively examining your beliefs about the situation. Ask yourself what is holding you back, what is keeping you stuck? Then start from there to work through what is the reality of the situation that you are not accepting. If you are not at peace, then there is an indication that emotionally you still want things to be different. Ask yourself what is disturbing you, what is ‘not fair’? That is another starting point to work through where you are actively avoiding acceptance.
At the end of the day, acceptance is about hard work. It is not about sitting back and passively ignoring whatever situation you are in – that is called denial. You are always making a choice, whether you realise it or not. So make the choice to get unstuck, look at where active acceptance can improve your life and start a better life today
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