Active Acceptance - The Key to Getting Unstuck

Most people think of acceptance as a passive state of mind. ‘You can’t do anything about it, just accept it.’ You would think in our world of instant gratification and super-fast results, acceptance would seem like an easy option, the path of least resistance. If that were so, I’m sure a lot more people would be doing it. But, acceptance is a pretty active state of mind when done properly and not at all easy.

The opposite of acceptance is denial, which let’s face it, is also a pretty active state to be in. Have you ever noticed how hard people work at being in denial? No matter how hard you try to point out to them the reality of the situation, they can come up with at least fifty reasons why it isn’t so. So if denial is such hard work, why would someone spend so much energy trying to avoid reality? Probably because a reality created in denial, is usually a reality where no action is necessary. Think about that for a minute. How often will someone create a false reality where it is their entire fault and they are the only one who has to do all the work to fix it?

The most fascinating thing to me is that usually, that person has decided that they are accepting the situation. ‘My boss just doesn’t like me, that’s why I’ll never get a promotion. There’s nothing I can do about it, I’ll just have to accept it.’

Active acceptance is about examining your beliefs around the situation, questioning each of those statements to test for the truth of the situation. Maybe your boss doesn’t like you, but is that the real reason why you haven’t got the promotion? If not, then accept that more work needs to be done, or new skills need to be developed. Maybe it is true that your boss didn’t promote you because she doesn’t like you, but does that mean that there is nothing you can do about it? Go see your HR department, or find a new job; maybe you could transfer to another department.
The interesting thing about acceptance is that it usually leads to action. The moment we can see a situation clearly, and accept it the way it is, is the moment that we can see with clarity what needs to be done to get out of the situation.

But why is acceptance necessary for us to be able to let go?

Well the usual reason for denying the reality of a situation, is because we want it to be different from the way it is. That sounds pretty obvious, doesn’t it? But that denial acts as an anchor. Think about a ship in the harbour. The anchor is what keeps it from moving forward, keeps it stuck in one place. Even though the anchor is below the surface and you can’t see it, it is still there doing its job. Denial is exactly the same. It sits in our subconscious, keeping us stuck in the idea that it is the situation around us that needs to change, rather than that we need to take action to change the situation around us. Until we accept reality and let go of wanting things to be different, we can never start moving forward.

The big question of course is: How do I know whether I am in denial or whether I have accepted the reality of a situation without wanting to make a change? I think the big test comes from the answer to the two questions: Do I feel stuck? And do I feel at peace?

If you are feeling stuck, there is a good chance that you are avoiding acceptance and need to start actively examining your beliefs about the situation. Ask yourself what is holding you back, what is keeping you stuck? Then start from there to work through what is the reality of the situation that you are not accepting. If you are not at peace, then there is an indication that emotionally you still want things to be different. Ask yourself what is disturbing you, what is ‘not fair’? That is another starting point to work through where you are actively avoiding acceptance.

At the end of the day, acceptance is about hard work. It is not about sitting back and passively ignoring whatever situation you are in – that is called denial. You are always making a choice, whether you realise it or not. So make the choice to get unstuck, look at where active acceptance can improve your life and start a better life today